"Mum, would you pose for me for my GSCE (photography) coursework?" "Well, are you sure one of your friends wouldn't be more suitable?" "Not really, it will be good to have someone different." "Mmm, well OK."
I await my instructions.
"Right, can you just sit and not smile."
Oh dear, that is not a challenge I usually win. We start. The corners of my mouth twitch.
I cover my face..
"Mum, don't. Be serious." "Sorry." Deep breath.
"Stop laughing! Try to look away and then look at me. I'll count to 3.."
I didn't even make 2.
"Look try and control yourself.." getting more cross. "I can't help it!" I giggle.
"Can you do this at all without being silly?!! Let's try one more time."
I try to think of sad things.
It didn't work. We gave up. She's going to try with Lucy who is a much more suited to be in front of the camera and I'm going to practise trying to keep a straight face when I told to!
Grow some wings and fly up to Tom at his university and give him a hug.
Sit in front of the fire and sew up my knitted dog (I'm not enjoying this bit and want it over!)
Have a play with my new Hipstamatic app (results of some playing in this post.)
Look through my button tins.
Watch the birds on my feeders.
(Gee whizz - reading this back I sound ancient! I'm content with a rather boring, sedate life! This the lifestyle of a granny not someone who's 'on fire' as in 'Whoa, Jane Goble's on fire..er' Should I mention I love the Antiques Roadshow too. Damn. I probably ruined my chances with Chris Martin now!
:: 5 things I have listened to in the last few days ::
Proof - by Coldplay, my current favourite song. I sort of re/discovered it on Christmas Eve. I was aware of it's existence but for some reason never really listened to it properly until Matthew and I were in the kitchen cooking, having a music session and when I heard the lyrics (obviously written for Gwyneth. Oh that lucky woman) I nearly fainted with love. I love how he calls her bright spark and how he finds proof in her. Sigh..
A Song For While I'm Away - Thin Lizzy (discovered yesterday)
I'm Gonna Creep Up On You - Thin Lizzy (discovered yesterday)
The most beautiful sound of a Robin singing his heart out at playtime on Friday at school, despite the children being only feet away from him. Needless to say I was transfixed for a minute or two watching him.
The laughter of my dearest friend Justine. Love that girl.
:: 5 things I've watched in the last few days ::
Black Swan. Good.
The wonderful Larkrise To Candleford.
The birds. Obviously!
Alice growing up particularly fast (we are looking at sixth forms. Already. Cor Blimey.)
The stars. My latest want is a Planisphere.
:: 5 things that have made me laugh in the last few days ::
Lucy getting really exasperated by me when we went to Totnes to the charity shops and I amassed a collection of free wooden coat hangers throughout the day, albeit a rather large collection with some I probably wasn't going to use, and then struggled to carry them.
Being told by a hysterical 6 year old who was frustrated because she hadn't learnt her weekly spellings, that "You don't know what it's like to be a child!" Mmm!
Listening to Lucy's feeble excuses she was trying to concoct to tell her driving instructor that she didn't want to drive home from the very quiet road she had been practising on. In fairness it was her 3rd lesson and the way home would be on the very busy ring road; but the excuses were bordering on the ridiculous - my favourite being that she was worried about an otter running into the road and causing her to crash. Obviously she wouldn't say that to him..you knew that..right??!!! (The instructor sensibly decided that she will drive home this week after all - otter or not!)
Getting the giggles frequently at inappropriate times at school, when it should be the children not an adult behaving in such a childish manner.
Losing Alfie last night but being able to hear him meow. Searching high and low only to find him squashed on a kitchen cupboard shelf!
:: 5 things I have loved the last few days ::
The above thrifted doggie dish which Lucy and I are tussling over.
Playing the 'Words with Friends' (Scrabble) App with Matthew who's in Winchester.
Having a new, non-mouldy wooden kitchen worktop. Still revelling in that though I'm bordering on paranoia if anyone goes near it!
Here's a surprise..my birds..particularly my little Blackcap .
The fact that I have gone 34 days, the longest ever (without being pregnant) without a migraine. And that my dear friends is such a good thing.
enjoying - the colours of the last of the hydrangeas.
very excited - about the coming week (more about that soon!)
astounded/flabbergasted - due to 'the' event of the coming week I have bought my very first (and I hope not my very last!) Cath Kidston dress...well 2 actually as I couldn't decided which I liked best so bought both to try on and send one back. This has been my weight loss goal - a Cath dress - so when they arrived yesterday I was a little scared to finally try one on.
I thought the large might still be too small for me but when I put them on they swamped me! So now I'm waiting for the medium size. A Cath dress at last! But I can't choose so I'm hoping that Anth will let me keep the second one for my birthday in November.
loving - 3 new to me songs ~ Miserere Mei Deus by the Choir of King's College Cambridge (oh this is exquisite) Be Here Now by Ray Lamontagne, and Silence by Seal.
looking forward to - the first of the Christmas magazines out next Thursday (Ideal Home's Complete Guide To Christmas...umm yes, I actually rang the magazine to find out the exact date - sad or what!? Don't tell my family or I'll never live it down!) The first of many good ones this year I hope. I can't believe it is my most favourite time of the year again - but where has this year gone?
going to - Totnes tomorrow to the Nostalgic Mix Fair (do come starts at 10am) and to meet a lovely blog reader and her husband from the US. So excited as I feel I know her already. Funny that. So as you can see I have spent most of this week in a state of high excitement and it looks like next week is going to be even better. How much can a girl take!
It has been a long time - a jolly long time - so long that I've almost forgotten how to use Typepad! So long that I haven't, and don't know where to start. So I thought I would just pop in tonight and say a quick hello to get me started as Anth is cooking (gosh I adore that man.)
But what shall I tell you about first...my latest sewing projects, my every growing excitement for the first lighting of the fire (soon, so soon and that also is connected to some sewing projects in a roundabout way..hmmm all will be revealed when I can actually finish it but there's no fire until it's finished...yiks!!) my 2 stone weight loss (woo hoo!!) and subsequent new dresses, our darling Lucy's 18th birthday, our trip to Bath, being snubbed by David Crosby and the rest of the band (quite literally actually..Matthew and I are still talking about the experience.) Alfie and Posy's obsession with shopping bags, and the fact that our bed has changed colour again.
But, I won't start any of that now but just show you the wonderful hollyhocks. I passionately love hollyhocks. I haven't grown any for a few years now but have been known to come home in my lunch hour just to check on them and to see if they have flowered and what colour they were. Sad.
These photos were taken in Salisbury, just outside one of the the Cathedral gates.
Not bad flowers to be growing along the verge, but that's Salisbury for you. Well, I will be back with news and photos. It's good to see you again xxx
Yes, it's almost time for that great event at the Royal Albert Hall - to see Crosby, Stills and Nash and I am going crazy with excitement. Crazy. I am also the proud owner of 5 dresses now and I have to find the right one to wear just in case my sweet David Crosby just happens to look my way or bumps into me as I stake out the Stage Door! There are only 4 are real contenders though but the above photo is only showing 3 (the navy thing is a long cardigan complete with frills and a tie which I love). Here is the other one with me in it (sorry) with and without a grey cardigan. The tummy is still evident and I'm even breathing in for the photo! But I'm slowly getting there and it's so, so wonderful wearing some new clothes. All from Marks and Spencer by the way.
I think this dress is my favourite - plus the photo doesn't show my double chin so perhaps it has some magic in it. I think it might be the one..what do you think?
Hello Friends, just popping in to let you know that I'm still alive and kicking - I just seem to have nothing new to say at the moment. Life is busy and I am working extra hours until we break up in July so my creative outlets are being stifled as well as feeling quite tired when I do have the time to make/do something. Some really good news is that I have nearly lost a stone in weight over the last 2 months. My tummy is still far too wobbly still (that's all I focus on) but others say they can tell in other places that I look thinner. I have even bought another dress (all ready forCrosby Stills & Nash in Julyat the Royal Albert Hall.) One stone down - 3 more to go.
I did make another new purchase last month. A proper bird table - more arsenal (5 feeders etc) in my effort to attract the birds.
Have I actually seen a bird anywhere near it? Of course not. But. The food disappears AND Anth said he saw a sparrow on the roof...so who knows. Maybe in the winter it will be teeming with all sorts of birds..mmm.. I think not! Well, you never know. Never say never. Table makeover reveal coming soon.
I shouldn't really be blogging feeling so utterly blah. I wasn't going to but I needed to get my laptop out for something else and I was feeling guilty that I have ignored this little space for what seems an age. So I thought I would just say hello and show you my 'new' crocheted throw for the back of the sofa. Found at Totnes market.
I'm a bit of a sad bunny at the moment for various reasons. I'd like to tell you that I've lost some weight but I don't think I have. I don't actually have any scales so don't know that for sure but going by looks..mmmm..certainly not Gwyneth yet. Poor Anth's mother has been very ill. It is so awful being on the other side of the world and not being able to go and see her - I do feel for him and the rest of the family. It's so damn expensive and so far. And there are changes for me at school which...well..we will see.. What a year it's been - I feel quite buffeted by life and just want things to go back to normal but it seems to change on a daily basis at the moment and it doesn't always feel for the best. Even the weather is cold, but at least I have a little ray of sunshine with my yellow crochet throw and I'm hoping for some of the real stuff soon.
An actual new dress - already. I thought I would just go and look in Marks & Spencer really not expecting to find anything yet, but I did. It makes me feel like a million dollars and one or two tears were quietly shed in the changing room when I realised that I could possibly get away with it. (Tears seem to come very easily these days as I adjust to the changes in my medication..plays havoc with my eyelashes which have just started to fall out! They have lasted well though.)
I'm not on any particular diet, I'm just trying to eat a low-fat, healthier diet with much smaller portions. I have tried for years to do something about my weight and now without my daily headaches and weekly migraine (which made me hungry and crave sugar) I feel I can tackle some exercise and eat more sensibly. I have a long way to go as I want to lose 3 stone (I would say 4 but people shrink back in horror when I say that but I'm only 5'2" and as round as a ball). I can't quite believe the will-power I have prayed for for years has suddenly arrived in abundance. I am determined to do this because I don't want to feel overweight, frumpy and afraid of cameras anymore. I want to be "Whoa...Jane Goble's on fire..er!!" and I don't mean for my wallpapering skills this time! It feels so good at last to be doing something about it. I only hope it will work and I can keep it up and that I may shed more tears of joy in changing rooms over the next few months/year.
The Bad
The bad side to being 5'"2, round around the middle, and wanting to wear dresses without looking pregnant is having to wear what they call 'magic knickers'. There really is no magic in them for me. This new pair cost as much as my dress and are the most uncomfortable things I have ever had the misfortune to wear as well as looking rather..er un-firelike! They're just one pair of my Bridget Jones pants collection. I actually have 3 pairs of different ones but these are the biggest and ugliest. Lucy and I were in Starbucks the other day and I popped to the lavatory. Well, you don't just 'pop' to the lavatory when you wear pants like this. Lucy quizzed me when I came back as to why I had taken so long.
"Well," I replied rather crossly, "these stupid knickers need peeling off which takes times, then they need heaving up..no it's more like wrestling which makes your arms ache. Then they roll down again so you heave them up again which made me bash my elbow on the soap dispenser. They are also cutting off all circulation...blah, blah, blah..!"
Yes, the sooner I lose some weight and don't need to wear the hideous Bridget Jones knickers the better.
There has been a slow transformation going on here over the last few months. There hasn't been a part of my life style that hasn't been changed in some way or other since I became ill in January and that has been a good thing. I'm now on a diet and I'm actually sticking to it and for the first time in many years I feel quite positive. Maybe, just maybe, I actually might be able to lose some weight. The change in my medication seems to have helped in that department too. Just wish it would happen a little quicker. I can't tell you how excited I am about the fact that I maybe in a floral Cath K dress (or Fat Face/Boden/Whitestuff/etc) with a cute cardi by Christmas. Or even before, in July when I go to see Crosby Stills & Nash. I haven't worn a dress for years as I look pregnant in dresses. I will keep you posted. It will be floral dresses everyday let me tell you. And on Monday I did something I have never done before. Even my friends didn't think I was going to do it.
I lay on the unfamiliar couch at the local Beauty Therapist's salon. My eyes closed. (Hands clenched as I was actually scared!) Half an hour later I had one set of individual eyelashes glued on to the top of one eyelid.
"Have I turned into Gwyneth yet? I whispered.
The Beauty Therapist roared with laughter,
"You are funny!" she said and started on the other eye.
Little did she know that I was only half joking!
I skipped out of that salon and instead of going to Sainsburys shopping went home to show Anth (who still is off work unwell but improving now.) his new look wife. He approved and nobody in Sainsburys laughed and pointed when I finally got there. Lucy and I laughed later that evening though. I asked her to take some photographs of the 'eyelashes' for the blog and we went out into the garden. There she was asking me to 'smize' like Tyra Banks and the children from next door (and the rest of the street) were passing our gate and they doubled back at the ridiculous sight of me trying and failing to pose like ..well like Gwyneth on the cover of Vogue. I cringed with embarrassment. Now these are the best of a bad bunch (96 bad ones to be precise!)
How long these lashes will last is anyone's guess. I check every morning first to see if my tummy has shrunk a bit in the night (please God) and then to see if the lashes have made it through the night! I'm getting rather fond of them and it's only been 4 days we've been glued together. I'm hoping we will stick together a lot longer.
I hope you all had a Happy and peaceful Easter. Ours was mixed bag. My laptop had broken so I haven't been able to blog and spent a total of 3.5 hours on the phone to Dell in India. Don't ask - I've never wanted an Apple laptop more. Then Tom's broke 4 hours later...We were going to go to Ludlow but we decided to stay at home instead. It turned out to be a good thing as poor Anth ended up in A & E (ER) on Monday night for a few hours with a nasty kidney infection which still has him bedridden but at last he is improving. What a year it's been for us so far! My migraine is much, much better. I am on this new medication which seems to be working (though I have started taking extra magnesium too so that may be helping) - I have only had one migraine in 21 days (and that includes headaches not lasting over 5 minutes!) This truly, truly is a miracle. The last time I was so headache free was when I was pregnant with Alice 15 years ago. Although this is wonderful it is hard getting used to the way this new medication is making me feel. I'm not too sure if I have the dose quite right yet. But I'm gradually getting back to my old self. I have been spending time in the garden with the sun on my face, and it feels good. The sign of things to come.
Talking of 15 years ago and of Alice - it was her 15th birthday on the 1st April.
Lovely girls. Lovely smiles. Well, the garden is beckoning. I have a working laptop again so I will see you tomorrow.
I have always loved eccentric people. People who were braver than me to express themselves without worrying what others thought of them. When I was younger I would hang around them hoping that some of their individuality would rub off onto me. But what I usually love most is the shock factor about their behaviour. I was brought up in a very English middle-class family - my parents were hotel managers and I spent my first 17 years living in large hotels. This meant I met/lived/worked with many different kinds of people many of them eccentric. An unconventional childhood in many ways but certainly in my eyes a privileged one. (Though it has played havoc with my cooking skills...well that's my excuse!!) The wonderful characters I came across still get spoken about today, their catch phrases and some of the outrageous tomfoolery enjoyed even now. Others were like an extended family to me and influenced my life with their artistic and creative ways. I have always been able to mix with people from different walks of life and I put that down to my upbringing and the variety of people I came in contact with. I recently came across someone who ticks all my boxes for pure, outrageous, eccentric, tomfoolery. Thank goodness I am never likely to meet him (shame he is on a reality show in London) because we would not be a good combination. He never fails to delight me and make me laugh. There is more of him on YouTube - do partake.
My mother says I never know when to stop and yes, I am sometimes judged to be ..er..shall we say inappropriate. I say I have a rather naughty (probably should read outrageous) sense of humour which I don't reveal in all it's ingloriousness on this blog; but that doesn't stop me trying to take any opportunity to see the funny side of most eventualities or better still hoping someone else (like good old Louie above) might be persuaded to do something while I watch on wetting myself with laughter. It worked well on my 3 brothers when they were younger. Fortunately, I don't know anyone these days who I can lead astray but my brother Matthew and I have on occasion , as Anth says, "New Zealand accent here..Ahh, you have gone too far this time..!" Yes, I would get no work done with Louie around and I would probably only try and outdo him and fail miserably. I love eccentrics. And what got me thinking about eccentrics in the first place? Well, I was called one last Sunday - yeah me. Me! It was by a double-glazing salesman. He had sat in our horrendously untidy sitting-room for 2 hours. Stared at the 2 ginormous flowery bags that had wool spilling out all over the floor like spaghetti. Contemplated the 2 foot tower of magazines and old newspapers in the corner. Stroked the half shaved cat. Gazed at the wall of flowers. Inspected our rotten french doors which we haven't been able to open since December (hence why he was there). Observed the 15 buckets and 5 chimney pots outside with dead plants in them. Did a double take at my sparkly corner. Wondered why there was a Migra Cap (that's if he even had any idea that was what it was!) lying on the floor (I was on Day 4 I think). Mentioned my Mary on the mantelpiece (but can't remember what he said). Drank his tea from a flowery tea cup. Had to be physically pulled out of the chair by the fireplace as it has lost it's springs and he sat down before I could stop him. But the words were uttered, albeit kindly, from his lips when he was leaving and standing at the front door looking down in astonishment at our flowery side plates and bowls - our entire kitchen cupboard spread out on the floor by the entrance to the house. I just smiled and took it as a compliment. Well I am English I should be a little eccentric if nothing else.
And the reason why we have our crockery by the front door? Last week, yes they have been there over a week, Anth could take the wobbly tower of (fabulous/gorgeous/beautiful) plates and bowls no more and has ordered me (nicely) to sort them into a more manageable hillock. Umm..I haven't quite got around to it yet, but I will tomorrow. I'm sure.
[this photo has nothing whatsoever to do with this post - it's just because.]
I have written this post a hundred times in my head in many different ways. I lay awake last night (not like me) and tried to make sense of why I blog and what I should blog about in this small space of mine. How personal should one be? How honest? Do people really want to visit this space to read about how I very nearly drowned in tears on Monday? But I'm afraid I very nearly did, so consequently I lost my blogging voice for the week because I just couldn't pretend and witter on about crochet and the mystery pair of knickers found in the girl's toilets at school. I can't hide things you see. I wear my heart on my sleeve and maybe this blog isn't just about flowery things, pillowcases, Chris Martin and my latest passion. And what happened to me on Monday? Well, it sort of started last Wednesday when I had an appointment with the optician which meant eye drops and very bright lights shining into my eyes = migraine..which went on and on and on. On Friday I saw my Dr (sorry if I'm repeating myself) and she and I have decided to change my prophylaxis medication. I think I misunderstood her complicated proceedure about reducing what I'm already on and increasing the new drug, and I halved my dose over night and by Sunday was very tearful. My migraine was still bad and I was panicking about going back to school on Tuesday. Monday I awoke (Day 5 of migraine which was alternating sides every few days) still feeling bad and then Anth and I discovered that Tom had done something a few months ago which has really upset us both. It's not drugs/sex/anything illegal (or maybe to some any big deal) but it isn't something we would have wanted him to do. I cried all day. I know he is an adult but you hope your teenagers (children) will make wise life decisions and when you think they haven't, you still have to accept it is their life and their choice. How will I ever learn to do this? How can I be suddenly be so powerless in his life? Has our influence meant nothing? Were we too strict? He obviously didn't tell us because he knew what our reaction would be and by my tears I probably confirmed this. But I just couldn't stop and I couldn't pretend I didn't hurt. This has been our first occasion of our only adult child doing something he knows we do not approve of. How does anyone survive the journey of parenthood unscathed? I fully appreciate Anth and I are very fortunate not to have had any major problems with our children so far but it looks like the first 18 years are probably the easiest! I'm still very sad about the situation but the tears have stopped thank goodness and I'm slowly picking myself up and still love my boy. He knows. Very much. I have wondered if my medication muddle has played a part in my Monday/Tuesday melt-down. They were days I never wish to repeat. And in all of this I went back to school. Goodness.
And now I have got that off my chest and told you where I really was/am at - I can move on and talk about those mystery knickers and those hugs. Oh those hugs. But that will be for another day...
Edited: I should have mentioned that I got Tom's permission to talk about this and he read this post before I published it. His main worry is that he has dropped his laptop...but we won't go there....!!
Just a very quick note to say that tomorrow I'm finally returning to school. I saw the doctor on Friday and told her that I just had to return on Tuesday for my own sanity! I'm needing a routine and to get out of the house and more importantly, to see those sweet, sweet faces of the children and my colleagues. Saying that, I'm feeling nervous! The doctor has also changed my daily prophylaxis migraine medication which has me panicked too. Perhaps this isn't the time to be messing around with my medication but my heads haven't been good over the last 5 days. Oh dear, oh dear. I'm in a bit of an emotional state today so I will love you and leave you for now. Before I go I will just tell you that the above photo is of a fabulous scarf sent to me all the way from Australia. I have worn it almost everyday since I received it - even indoors. Now that's love for you....
I have spent the entire week covered in goose bumps and with the odd lump in my throat as I have immersed myself in vintage Genesis.
You see it all started the other week when Matthew mentioned that there was a channel on Sky called Sky Arts (or something similar) which showed music documentaries and concerts. A quick flick through showed that there were 2 documentaries about Genesis due to be shown this week. Well, what a week it's been. My love affair with Genesis started in 1977 (you can read about it here) and since I don't like what they have done since Duke in 1980, I am, or so I thought, limited in finding DVDs and live concert CDs and footage which focuses on the 70's and the 1980 tour when I saw them in my home town and almost in my actual home! Yes, I could have slept under the same roof as them in 1980 but I wont dwell on that fact (thank you Mum. Not.! Story in above link)
Anyway, I have been enthralled with these documentaries watching snippets of the vintage Genesis I love. I also discovered a very interesting fact and I am kicking myself for not making the connection before. In the 1980's their producer was Hugh Padgham - Hugh is Cath Kidston's partner! If I'm brutally honest I never bought any of the Genesis albums he produced as they went more commercial after 1980 and lost the very essence I loved. But this week's Genesis rediscovery doesn't end with the TV - I went on to discover a treasure trove of videos on YouTube even better than the snippets of television concert footage. I never thought to look on YouTube before. I have been in heaven but there have been grumbles and a far share of eye rolling in the family. Lucy walked in quite late on Wednesday after school and stood at the sitting-room door her face aghast, "You were watching this when I left for school this morning and you are still watching it now?!" The other night we had 4 minutes before the news started so I suggested 4 minutes of the Afterglow footage which they sat through complaining...well I did get to the remote control first! Tom was encouraged (read forced) to watch some with me last night as he is home for Easter. With each new song I was asking everyone, "don't you recognise this? Surely!" Funnily enough If they said yes I was thrilled. Why I don't know. Probably because I want them to love it as much as me; but I'm not holding out much hope - though Anth was able to sing along a bit with Ripples which made me look at him in a new light - I may have my own rock star husband yet! And did you think that you, my friends, were not going to be subjected to a little vintage Genesis love? Oh no. You can't get away that easily. Here we go..and no eye rolling... here's Afterglow one of my absolute favourites.
And the last bit of The Musical Box
and... ...you have had enough already? Just one more...
..oh and I can't resist Ripples even though it's a newer concert.
..dusting with Anth's dirty sock that's waiting to be washed..
..and cleaning my little silver christening cup with Brasso..
Yesterday I should have beeen making gifts from these..
(yes, I found these in Totnes on Friday.)
..but instead of finding the fabric I wanted in the attic I find these..
..old letters, cards and memories from precious people kept in my grandmother's (who I never met) vanity case. Many were from Anth when we first met; my father when he left home (complete with my tear drop stains;) my mother, who is such a wonderful letter writer you tear up at the first line; Anth's parents; my old childhood Nanny congratulating us on the birth of Alice. Engagement cards; wedding cards. Poems. The list is endless - I didn't realise that I kept so much and there is still more in the attic. Sentimental me. So the washing and sewing wasn't done but I thought of all those people that have come and gone in my life - the different addresses I have lived in on the envelopes and my heart was full. Sigh..
Thursday morning was bathed in spring sunshine so I decided it was time I got behind the wheel again and ventured out by myself...driving! The last time I drove was the 12th Jan and I did wonder if I could actually make the 15 minute journey to the best local charity shop area (pure bliss, 3 good ones in 100 yards).
The lure of charity shops proved too strong and I set off. I had a wonderful time, though pickings weren't brilliant, but best of all my legs felt normal. I felt normal! One of my two of my finds were the china flowers above (left) and this sweet tea pot.
I also visited a pet shop and bought more arsenal for the 'feeder wars'
I even bought meal worms (dead, I hasten to add!) which I had to steel myself to touch. So now the tree has 5, yes 5 feeders of varying types.
And have they been visited since? Just blooming once by a single blue tit. Once. Well, they could have gone on them during the rare time I wasn't gazing out of the window wasting time waiting. The family think I've gone over the top and goodness knows what the neighbours think as it is actually their tree, but it hangs over our access to the back of our house and I did ask. But I assured Anth that I would buy no more. My arsenal is complete..I just have to wait and wait so it seems - dead meal worms or not. And the date? Anth and I went to the movies to see Everything's Fine. It was such a lovely film which had me trying to stifle my sobs into my vintage hankie, though Anth thought I was sneezing! Sneezing? Perhaps it was my shoulders shaking which confused him. It is a sentimental and gentle film and I highly recommend it. Actually, thinking about it none of the 6 other people who were at the screening (yes 6!) were crying. Yes, my friends, it looks like I maybe getting back to normal at long last.
My darling mother bought me this and presented me with it on Friday. As I cannot rely on my painkillers any more to limp through the day until I can safely go to bed and inject myself with the nasty, nasty migraine drug - I have had to resort to ice packs. I usually have a pouch with an elastic strap that goes around my head. So alluring. Gee, I'm so hot I could be smokin'! But a more thoughtful gift I could not have wished for.. The family is proud of what I have accomplished these few weeks behind the scenes. I am proud. Their support means everything to me. Slight problem though....looking at this photo do you think I've blown any chance of getting Chris Martin to fall in love with me....?
Last week, I ring Anth at work and rather excitedly exclaimed.
"Darling, guess what? I've had a Chiffchaff in the garden!!"
Long pause...."Mmm, am I thinking you have had another chaffing experience, er..rather like London..?"
"No, no. It's a bird. I looked it up in my book and it was right by the window hopping around in our dead plants."
Audible sigh of relief on the end of the phone.
After years of having no birds in our garden apart from magpies and seagulls, last year I tried my very hardest to encourage some. When I say encourage, read - doing everything, even BEGGING! I started to get a few sparrows then suddenly there was nothing.Posts here, here, hereandhere which chart my bird obsession. All winter there have been no sightings of anything. My lovely colleague at school who is an expert on birds and knows the entire 'Observer Book Of Birds' did her best to reassure me with various reasons as to why they wouldn't venture out to visit me. I have tried very hard not to take it personally but have been known to groan rather loudly when I see birds just fly on by without stopping and always have half an ear listening out for any chirping in the trees at the end of our garden. I won't even go into the amount of mouldy, untouched bird food I have had to throw away. No, best if Anth doesn't know..!
But lately something unusual has happened. Since January I have seen blue tits, sparrows, 2 pairs of blackbirds, a redwing as well as the chiffchaff. Yes, all in our garden! I have been beside myself with excitement, spending time just willing them to stay and feed some more but not being well enough to go and restock the feeders with fresh food. (That isn't what Anth calls a priority when he is running the house and looking after me!) But Saturday was a good day for me and I felt able to go out and refill. I then went into the house to watch. But hang on...where were the blue tits going as they flew over the neighbours gardens...I went upstairs to look out of the window to get a better view...
SHOCK..HORROR..
Hanging on a garage wall four gardens away was a feeder - a much bigger feeder than mine!!
Mmmm.... I think I might have to think tactically here. I went downstairs.
"Anty, are you going anywhere near a shop that sells bird feeders by any chance....???"
Hello, hello..here I am back again - very wobbly but still smiling...well most of the time! Do you like my little pot of primroses?
I found it at Totnes Market on Saturday and I hinted to Anth that it would make the perfect Valentine's love gift. Yes really, I actually went to Totnes, finally, for the first time this year. And how did I find myself at Totnes on Saturday? Well, it was sheer frustration and determination. Last Thursday I was lying in bed (after thinking that perhaps I may feel better quicker if I stop sitting on the sofa and go back to lying in bed during the day. It wasn't working.) Anth rang me during the day and found me crying. I just thought I've had enough of waiting to wake up each morning and feel like my old self - even though I'm not my old self any more. I've got to build my strength up a little each day. So that is what I'm trying to do. I spent half an hour in Totnes on Saturday saw some dear friends for a couple of hours on Monday and Tuesday (still in my pj's for one visit!) and today I even went to the hairdresser and managed to walk to the charity shop down the hill. I'm shattered now but I just can't sit on the sidelines of life any more. It's a bit scary as I still feel so weak but I'm taking it slowly.
And I've picked up my crochet hook again.
Work on my blanket has resumed. I was given some old linens by a very kind colleague on Friday and this wonderful embroidered apron was included.
I just love it and use it to keep my circles in. Tomorrow I'm hoping to do some sewing...sewing!! I'm moving onwards, slowly but surely, taking one day at a time..and I'm sure I'll get there.
Yesterday was a bad day. One of the worst I've had in the last few weeks if I'm honest. My aches had returned and so did the tears.
"I'm feeling no better, there must be something seriously wrong with me, how can this be taking so long..." I wailed to the family yesterday evening. "If Chris Martin came into our garden I could not chase after him and he would get away..." More tears.
This morning I reflected on my conversation and chuckled to myself. I had to make the family realise just how yucky I was feeling and the only thing I could measure my weakness on was if Chris Martin was in our garden I would be unable to get to him. Anth thought I would somehow conjure up the energy to get to him but I tearfully told him that I couldn't and he would get away. Forever.
"Mmm, maybe that's a good thing," said Lucy.
It was a strange day yesterday. Alice started a week of work experience at my school (where I work). She was in my class and came back with shining eyes and wide smiles and wonderful stories of the children. My children. My favourite was how she and the teacher noticed a wet patch on the carpet after the children had got up and they had to discreetly look at 30 bottoms as they filed out of the classroom to see if there was a matching wet patch on someone's uniform. I miss that. Today, I'm not so tearful. I feel stupid and selfish when I cry but I just wish my arms and legs would go back to normal. Normal, but a little skinnier would be fine by me and strong enough to sprint after Chris if he ever wandered into our garden by mistake. Any time soon will do. Please.
Just a little update on the progress in the Goble household - well I would probably argue that there is hardly any progress at all! My visit to the Doctor on Friday was good. My liver function is almost back to normal and my iron levels had gone up, albeit, not as much as before, but up. The Dr mentioned that she thought that I have been bleeding through my stomach for quite some time unbeknown to me. On Saturday I had begged Anth to take me to a couple of charity shops as it has been weeks since I did anything 'normal' and I thought it might brighten me a little. Oh my. It wasn't until I was actually out in my old hunting ground that I realised just how weak I really was. It was like wading through treacle. It was a lovely sunny day and it felt so good to be out. We didn't stay long but just long enough for me to find the above sugar bowl that I now store my hooks in.
I keep looking at it and it makes me happy. I need to feel happy at the moment as I go up and down like a yo-yo. One minute stormy, the next clear. Just like the White Balloons song.
I so love my American coloured metal crochet hooks - I wish they were available in the UK which just do grey. Yes grey! As if we don't have enough greyness in life. I have taken enormous comfort and pleasure reading your comments and emails over these last few weeks. I may be at home alone most of the day but I feel privileged to have such connections to some amazing friends. I can call you friends, can't I? Good.
AAAAAHHHHHH.......!!! I'm feeling so low today. I'm trying my very best to be positive and patient but if truth be told I could just burst into tears right this very minute. Maybe it's not a good idea to blog when one is feeling sorry for themselves. But, gee whiz (one of my most favourite sayings you may have noticed!) I seem to be feeling worse this week than I did last week. When is this ever going to end??? I hate to complain when I know things could be so much worse in so many ways but I feel so helpless. I have not the inclination to do anything - even read now. I think to myself, oh I will sit downstairs, buggie in (another of my favourite sayings that means cozy in) light a fire watch TV/listen to my beloved radio/try and crochet/revel in this enforced rest..but it doesn't work. Nothing appeals. The house is neglected, the rubbish bin needs emptying and Anth has walked mud all through the house which I can't face even trying to hoover up.
DEEP BREATH....On a more positive note I have had a lovely bunch of flowers from school, in their own water no less (the really posh hand tied ones that have cellophane round the stems with water in. I've never had flowers with their own water before!) and the postman sometimes brings me get well wishes sent from sweet thoughtful ladies. I so appreciate that. Goodness, I will be in danger of tearing up again! I just love the bar of chocolate in the picture. Thank you Kathy. I couldn't dream of eating it when it states such an important mantra. I keep it close by to remind me. I had another blood test today and I see the doctor on Friday. I thought I was going to be OK to go back to school next week (oh I miss my babies) but I beginning to doubt I can and that doesn't make me feel good. Anyway, enough of my whinging. I'll make a cup of tea that should cheer me and I might even put some Coldplay on. A touch of Chris always makes a difference.... thank you for being a shoulder xxxx
My heart is full today - so full that my thoughts are just a mass of wires trying to connect so that I may express these oh-so- deep feelings. It started the moment I woke up. Now usually mornings are not my forte. I'm a night owl. It takes me a long time to surface - but today I was wide awake instantly. Tom was leaving very early to go back to University and I lay there fretting. Did he have everything, was he alright? Oh,the mother-angst I just so,sohate about being a mother. You see I'm a champion worrier at the best of times but oh the stress of child independence in some occasions are a killer. It was a relief when Anth finally drove him to the station. I went back to bed and thought about my mothering journey. Yesterday was Grandma's funeral. She was a wife, mother, grandmother, and great-grandmother. What roles to have been granted in life and she played them well. So well. Am I the mother I thought I would be? In some ways no. Do I think I am a good mother? My first thoughts are negative, but that maybe because I hold the position of being a good mother so high. Maybe unrealistic or maybe just not me. I feel I'm sometimes too selfish but that could be that my children are teenagers and don't require so much of my time. Do I show them enough love? Am I too critical, too hard to please? Do I listen enough to their hopes and fears? God I hope so. It is a fine balance during these teenage years. I then picked up my trusty iphone to do some blog surfing. I happened by chance, somehow, going from blog to blog like you do, to stumble upon this. So perfect.
It is written by Katherine Center and these are her words written for the video...
WHAT I WOULD TELL HER: (If I knew what to say.)
You are a miracle.
And I have to love you this fiercely: So that you can feel it even after you leave for school, or even while you are asleep, or even after your childhood becomes a memory.
You’ll forget all this when you grow up. But it’s okay.
Being a mother means having your heart broken.
And it means loving and losing and falling apart and coming back together.
And it’s the best there is. And also, sometimes, the worst.
Sometimes you won’t have anyone to talk to.
Sometimes you’ll wonder if you’ve forgotten who you are.
But you must remember this: What you’re doing matters.
And you have to be brave with your life so that others can be brave with theirs.
The truth is, being a woman is a gift. Tenderness is a gift. Intimacy is a gift. And nurturing the good in this world is a nothing short of a privilege.
That’s why I have to love you this way. So I can give what I have to you. So that you can carry it in your body and pass it on.
I have watched you sleep. I’ve kissed you a million times. And I know something that you don’t, yet:
You are writing the story of your only life every single minute of every day.
And my greatest hope for you, sweet child, is that I can teach you how to write a good one.
*************************************
I then went on to discover this book 'Because I love Her' by Andrea Richesin and have ordered it as a little get-better-soon treat for myself, though I think it won't help my over-emotional state right now! But hey, that is one thing my children can count on...their mother reading heart-rending non-fiction books that have her quietly sobbing into a vintage hankie! I suppose it's all about being the best mother one can be in the circumstances you find yourself in. To build up their confidence so that they may fly strong and high and that they won't hopefully remember that I never did baking with them and dragged them around charity shops with the tag of 'treasure hunting'.. My wish is that when it is my funeral and if I have been privileged enough to have the same roles as Grandma; that my children and my children's children will know quite simply, whatever my failings, how deeply they had been loved.
