I have written this post a hundred times in my head in many different ways. I lay awake last night (not like me) and tried to make sense of why I blog and what I should blog about in this small space of mine. How personal should one be? How honest? Do people really want to visit this space to read about how I very nearly drowned in tears on Monday? But I'm afraid I very nearly did, so consequently I lost my blogging voice for the week because I just couldn't pretend and witter on about crochet and the mystery pair of knickers found in the girl's toilets at school. I can't hide things you see. I wear my heart on my sleeve and maybe this blog isn't just about flowery things, pillowcases, Chris Martin and my latest passion.
And what happened to me on Monday? Well, it sort of started last Wednesday when I had an appointment with the optician which meant eye drops and very bright lights shining into my eyes = migraine..which went on and on and on. On Friday I saw my Dr (sorry if I'm repeating myself) and she and I have decided to change my prophylaxis medication. I think I misunderstood her complicated proceedure about reducing what I'm already on and increasing the new drug, and I halved my dose over night and by Sunday was very tearful. My migraine was still bad and I was panicking about going back to school on Tuesday. Monday I awoke (Day 5 of migraine which was alternating sides every few days) still feeling bad and then Anth and I discovered that Tom had done something a few months ago which has really upset us both. It's not drugs/sex/anything illegal (or maybe to some any big deal) but it isn't something we would have wanted him to do. I cried all day.
I know he is an adult but you hope your teenagers (children) will make wise life decisions and when you think they haven't, you still have to accept it is their life and their choice.
How will I ever learn to do this?
How can I be suddenly be so powerless in his life?
Has our influence meant nothing?
Were we too strict?
He obviously didn't tell us because he knew what our reaction would be and by my tears I probably confirmed this. But I just couldn't stop and I couldn't pretend I didn't hurt.
This has been our first occasion of our only adult child doing something he knows we do not approve of. How does anyone survive the journey of parenthood unscathed? I fully appreciate Anth and I are very fortunate not to have had any major problems with our children so far but it looks like the first 18 years are probably the easiest! I'm still very sad about the situation but the tears have stopped thank goodness and I'm slowly picking myself up and still love my boy. He knows. Very much. I have wondered if my medication muddle has played a part in my Monday/Tuesday melt-down. They were days I never wish to repeat. And in all of this I went back to school. Goodness.
And now I have got that off my chest and told you where I really was/am at - I can move on and talk about those mystery knickers and those hugs. Oh those hugs.
But that will be for another day...
I should have mentioned that I got Tom's permission to talk about this and he read this post before I published it. His main worry is that he has dropped his laptop...but we won't go there....!!